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telling it like I think it is: sunili’s blog

Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

coconut goodness

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I hope everyone knows and loves and regularly reads Stuff White People Like. Because, like it says if you hover over that thar link, it’s Teh Shizz. If you do, you can go back to Facebook or work or wheresoever from whence you came.

Ciao!

To the uninitiated, I hope you enjoy the following summary!

This site contains a series of posts which describes things that White People Like and explains how you may better acquaint yourselves with Them or prepare yourself for having to converse with Them.

The comments are gold when people get all testy and all “nuh-uh, I TOTALLY AM. NOT. LIKE. THAT.” But, the thing I personally digg most importantly is that it always makes me feel better knowing that someone out there, even if sarcastically, gets me.

For example:

A common characteristic amongst white people is the need to over analyze things, so they partake in activities such as therapy, writing a blog, or becoming an arts major. So its rather obvious why white people love lawyers so much as it is the one profession that has mastered the art of “over analyzing things”. Even though most disputes can be resolved through reason, unselfishness, and / or a google search, white people would prefer to take things to court or have something in writing. Lawyers are seen as the ultimate problem solvers and “the law” is seen as the be all, end all, of resolving all the world’s ills. [#56]

White people love rules. It explains why so they get upset when people cut in line, why they tip so religiously and why they become lawyers. But without a doubt, the rule system that white people love the most is grammar. It is in their blood not only to use perfect grammar but also to spend significant portions of time pointing out the errors of others.

When asking someone about their biggest annoyances in life, you might expect responses like “hunger,” “being poor,” or “getting shot.” If you ask a white person, the most common response will likely be “people who use ‘their’ when they mean ‘there.’ Maybe comma splices, I’m not sure but it’s definitely one of the two.” [#99]

It’s hilarious in so many ways, some of which I never realised but are oh so true, while others are plainly obvious.

As I said to Ray-Ray this morning while we were discussing the awesomeness of this site, I do lament over the fact that it’s such a shame I was born brown.

But as she wisely reminded me, it’s ok because I’m white on the inside.

Phew!

😉

Written by Sunili

21 May 2008 at 5:41 pm

Posted in humour, internet, me stuff

Tagged with

A Declaration of Dependence

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To the citizens of the United States of America

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honorable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminum.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favor’ and ‘neighbor,’ skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “is” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.
  • On your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.
  • You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” >e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
  • Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
  • You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
  • You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
  • You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. “Merde” is French for “Shit”. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
  • July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.
  • All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
  • You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
  • As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
  • The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
  • From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).
  • You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
  • Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
  • Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your cooperation.

    ___

    email forward via Annabel; thanks bubs!

    Written by Sunili

    21 November 2004 at 11:04 am

    Posted in humour

    Tagged with , ,

    Republicans for Voldemort

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    For those of you who were doing a “huh?” about my Republicans for Voldemort merchandise, here’s the goats.com cartoon it came from:

    from goats.com

    Bloody brilliant. I have also pre-ordered a new t-shirt from them which says Jesus Loves Dick. Yeah!

    Real update laterish 🙂

    Written by Sunili

    18 November 2004 at 3:46 pm

    Posted in humour

    Tagged with ,

    JWH [heart] GWB

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    Aaww, why are those Tories so against gay marriage? It’s a match made in heaven! (ta to The Bulletin)

    (Woo! Two funny photos in two days! I know actual content is good, but I say funny photos are better. No one reads this anyway.)

    Written by Sunili

    15 November 2004 at 3:20 pm

    This Week’s Funny Photo

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    Voting Bush = You’re Stupid

    (unless I like you, in which case it’s still not ok…) Posted by Hello

    Written by Sunili

    14 November 2004 at 9:09 pm

    Posted in humour, politics

    Tagged with ,

    hrm

    with one comment

    Now, The Australian always has interesting sydicated photos on their front page, but I’ve never seen one which was so appropriate to the headline… Posted by Hello

    Written by Sunili

    29 October 2004 at 3:02 pm

    Posted in humour, media, politics

    Tagged with